When The Smoke Clears

On March 11, 2004, on or around 1200, my life, as I knew it, changed. Today is the one year anniversary of that date. And it's been a hell of a year. I had one seizure, then 4 more over a course of 10 months. My job in the Navy is over - you can't very well have seizures on a ship out to sea. I can't drive now, so I found a job in Washington DC. I move up there in a few weeks. My little brother is moving up from Texas to be my roommate. We're both taking a huge leap of faith on this new life in a new city. I'm just ready to move on now. I wish that I had timed this so that my date of separation from the Navy would be today. That way I'd get an appropriate 1-year-anniversary gift - a piece of paper that will let me get on with my life.

The loneliness is palpable. I feel so pathetic writing this, but considering the only people who really check it are those that really know me and care about me, I don't care. The loneliness is palpable! I was just dumped by a guy that I'm not really even seeing. We went on one date, appart from the group gatherings that we were both a part of over the last few weeks since I met him. But tonight, he breaks the news that he met someone on Sunday that he really hit it off with, much more so than me. And I'm really ok with this. The more we hung out, the more I realized that we didn't have as much in common as I thought we did. And I think he realized that, too. And I'm moving in a few weeks. So not getting attached to this guy is probably a really good idea. And when he told me about this other girl he met, I was really fine with it all. He was so concerned about telling me, and he was truly nice about it. So why is it bothering me so much now, just a few hours after he broke "the news"?

I don't think I'm upset about him as much as I'm upset about the idea of him. Cliche, I know; but until someone comes up with a better way of expressing this feeling... It's been damn near a year since any guy has been interested in me...especially one that I'm also interested in. I had forgotten what it felt like - to wonder if you should call him, or if he's going to call you - to be even more selective in what you wear out than normal because you know you want to look effortlessly sexy for him. All of that, and more. It doesn't even matter who the guy is...whether it's someone you see yourself with in the long term, or just someone to go on a few dates with. The feeling is the same, I think. I don't have a lot of experience with this, so maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. You tell me.

It's just been a really shitty year, and I don't understand why the shit keeps dropping. One pile after the next. Graphic enough for you?! I develop a medical condition that will stick with me for life; my career is over; I have to start my life over; I can't drive; I'm moving; and now, I finally let my guard down enough to let someone get close to me, and I get burned two weeks into it. What the hell?! God, can't you give me a break? And before any of you respond to that one, save it. I've heard it all. I say it all to myself. So spare me, ok?! This is a rant, not a request for spiritual guidance (unless God is blogging, too, then I'll take it from Him).

I guess I'm done with this one. I don't know what more to say. I'm sure I could ramble on, but who cares?! You know what? One of these days, I'm going to be truly happy...on all levels. I will be happy with my family, my friends, my job; I'll have a boyfriend/fiance/husband (whatever!) who truly cares about me and loves me. One of these days....I'll let you know. "When the smoke clears."