Monday, October 31, 2005

 

my nature

I've been learning a lot about myself over the last several months. A new city with a new job and new friends will do that for you, but the greatest amount of self-reflection has come from my new church and my desire to become more active in my Faith - my Christian Faith that I have had my whole life but that I've let become a separate entity from my public life over the last seven years since I left home. I used to walk around, saying that I was a Christian (which I was), but just because I didn't go to church didn't mean that I didn't worship God - I prayed every night, so I thought I was ok. My spiritual life and secular life were so far apart you needed a passport to get from one to the other. I would wager that you could ask a lot of people I knew back in Virginia Beach if I was a Christian, and they couldn't tell you. That honestly makes me sick to my stomach now, but at the time, I didn't even think about it, because I just assumed everyone knew that I was. Looking back on my lifestyle, though, I wouldn't have assumed I was a Christian. I drank too much, I smoked, I was the life of the party. I was the person everyone came to whenever liberty call went down because if I was going to be there, that meant that all the fun people were going to be there. Do you know what kind of an adrenalin rush comes with that feeling? It's amazing! It's addictive! It keeps you from coming back early on Saturday night so you can get up for church on Sunday morning, too. And so the downward spiral continues. And I have no one to blame for it but myself. Please do not think that I am trying to pass it off on to someone or something else.

I went up to New York for the funeral of a dear friend several weeks ago. Several of my Virginia Beach friends were up there, as well. We all went to a restaurant after the wake for dinner. I ordered a beer to have with my fish and chips. At one point, a friend of mine made a comment about how slowly I was drinking, as he was already on his second beer. I just said I didn't drink that much anymore. He laughed and said "No, really, come on, that's not the Molly we know!" I just smiled. It's not the Molly they know. Maybe I'm getting older and wiser. I don't go out and drink too much anymore. I can't remember the last time I got drunk. I quit smoking over a year ago. But old habits do die hard. I'm not there yet. I went to a Halloween party this past Saturday. All the girls decided that our costumes were going to be "slutty" in nature. I took an old uniform I still have and cut the pants off super short, tied the shirt off in front, wore some fishnet tights, and high heels. It was a big hit with the men at the party, as were most of the other girls' costumes. Then I was sitting in church Sunday night listening to a sermon on worshipping God not just with our words but with our actions, too, and all I could think about was the fact that I had been traipsing around a party and a bar the night before with my derriere half hanging out of a pair of chopped up cammies the night before. So I wasn't drunk. So I wasn't smoking. So I don't swear as much as I used to (still working on this one). Those are all good things, but I still have work to do. I could have just as easily found a costume that didn't make me look like a $5 hooker. There's a balance out there that I know I'm getting closer to. So why do I feel like I'm slipping backwards?

And you want to know the worst part of my nature? When I'm feeling bad about myself, feeling self-conscious about my true nature, I take it out on others. So what did I do this time? I let another part of my nature (jumping to conclusions) take over and accused a good friend of not being true to his nature, and in the worst way. I accused an honest person of lying, and then got in a fight about it. And so the downward spiral continues. And I have no one to blame for it but myself. Please do not think that I am trying to pass it off on to someone or something else.

Comments:
Stop being so hard on yourself. You can be the life of the party and a Christian at the same time. it's all about perception. You perceive yourself as not being a good Christian at a party when you probably are. You can party like a rock star and still call yourself a Christian. Maybe not wearing a slutty marine costume, but still....

Love you babe, stop being so critical of yourself. That's my job. ;)
 
OK, what I was gonna say (or at least an abbreviated version from the email I sent you):

I wish I could have some of what you have found up there in DC. You are a great influence on me, and I need more people like you in my life.

If the email didnt go through let me know- Ill resend it.
 
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