When The Smoke Clears

I've been learning a lot about myself over the last several months. A new city with a new job and new friends will do that for you, but the greatest amount of self-reflection has come from my new church and my desire to become more active in my Faith - my Christian Faith that I have had my whole life but that I've let become a separate entity from my public life over the last seven years since I left home. I used to walk around, saying that I was a Christian (which I was), but just because I didn't go to church didn't mean that I didn't worship God - I prayed every night, so I thought I was ok. My spiritual life and secular life were so far apart you needed a passport to get from one to the other. I would wager that you could ask a lot of people I knew back in Virginia Beach if I was a Christian, and they couldn't tell you. That honestly makes me sick to my stomach now, but at the time, I didn't even think about it, because I just assumed everyone knew that I was. Looking back on my lifestyle, though, I wouldn't have assumed I was a Christian. I drank too much, I smoked, I was the life of the party. I was the person everyone came to whenever liberty call went down because if I was going to be there, that meant that all the fun people were going to be there. Do you know what kind of an adrenalin rush comes with that feeling? It's amazing! It's addictive! It keeps you from coming back early on Saturday night so you can get up for church on Sunday morning, too. And so the downward spiral continues. And I have no one to blame for it but myself. Please do not think that I am trying to pass it off on to someone or something else.

I went up to New York for the funeral of a dear friend several weeks ago. Several of my Virginia Beach friends were up there, as well. We all went to a restaurant after the wake for dinner. I ordered a beer to have with my fish and chips. At one point, a friend of mine made a comment about how slowly I was drinking, as he was already on his second beer. I just said I didn't drink that much anymore. He laughed and said "No, really, come on, that's not the Molly we know!" I just smiled. It's not the Molly they know. Maybe I'm getting older and wiser. I don't go out and drink too much anymore. I can't remember the last time I got drunk. I quit smoking over a year ago. But old habits do die hard. I'm not there yet. I went to a Halloween party this past Saturday. All the girls decided that our costumes were going to be "slutty" in nature. I took an old uniform I still have and cut the pants off super short, tied the shirt off in front, wore some fishnet tights, and high heels. It was a big hit with the men at the party, as were most of the other girls' costumes. Then I was sitting in church Sunday night listening to a sermon on worshipping God not just with our words but with our actions, too, and all I could think about was the fact that I had been traipsing around a party and a bar the night before with my derriere half hanging out of a pair of chopped up cammies the night before. So I wasn't drunk. So I wasn't smoking. So I don't swear as much as I used to (still working on this one). Those are all good things, but I still have work to do. I could have just as easily found a costume that didn't make me look like a $5 hooker. There's a balance out there that I know I'm getting closer to. So why do I feel like I'm slipping backwards?

And you want to know the worst part of my nature? When I'm feeling bad about myself, feeling self-conscious about my true nature, I take it out on others. So what did I do this time? I let another part of my nature (jumping to conclusions) take over and accused a good friend of not being true to his nature, and in the worst way. I accused an honest person of lying, and then got in a fight about it. And so the downward spiral continues. And I have no one to blame for it but myself. Please do not think that I am trying to pass it off on to someone or something else.

My computer at work doesn't have a DVD reader. I know! I can't believe it, either. How am I supposed to watch movies? I ask you - why would anyone make a computer without a CD and a DVD reader these days? How many of you have read The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis? If you haven't, you must! They're getting a lot of new hype right now because the first book - The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe - is going to be on the silver screen come December 9th. I am thoroughly looking forward to that day and will be in the theatre with the kiddies, chomping on popcorn and slurping on my diet coke as the four children battle the evil White Witch with Aslan at their side.

But last night, I finally gave into temptation and purchased my first Christmas present to myself - the BBC production of the first three books in the Chronicles series on DVD. These movies are very near and dear to my heart. When I was a child, Mama used to take my brother, sister, and me to our local library, and we'd get to peruse the video selection they had there and check out a few. The Narnia movies were some of our favorites. I can't tell you how many times we checked them out, but I bet we could quote the lines back then. As soon as the BBC put them out on DVD several months ago, I swore to myself I was going to just ask for them for Christmas and wait until then, but I just couldn't wait any longer (what am I, eight?!), so I bought them. And I brought the first one into work today to watch at my desk, seeing as how I have nothing better to do (really - I have no work to do today). Much to my chagrin, my stupid computer has no DVD reader on it - only CDs will play! I can burn all the CDs in the world that I want, but I can't watch a flippin' DVD! Who in the world came up with this brilliant idea?!

So now it's 11:35am and my plan of action for filling the afternoon hours with my 3 hour movie is shot to pieces. So I've been tasked with planning the tailgating portion of an upcoming football game that an army of my friends and I are going to. Burgers and Brats and Beer, Oh My!

Clink. Clink. Clink. My office suite is on the first floor of a thirteen or fourteen story building - it's tall, we'll just stay that, because since I never go above the first floor, I don't know how many stories there really are. The first floor has a couple of gyms, a US Airways office, my office, several little sandwich shops, a Starbucks, a Quiznos, and a Chipotle, among a couple of other things. Clink. Clink. Clink. The entire front of the buildling on the first floor is floor-to-ceiling glass windows, so that as you are walking down the hallway, you can look out at the trees and flowers, the shoppers, and the cars driving by. My office suite is also fitted with these floor-to-ceiling windows to the outside world. It's rather nice, actually. Clink. Clink. Clink. As I don't have much in the way of work, I sit and people-watch most of the day - people going to get coffee at Starbucks, people going to get lunch, people outside on their smoke breaks. I like to people-watch. It fascinates me. Clink. Clink. Clink. BUT WHY DO THEY FIND IT NECESSARY TO TAP ON MY WINDOW WITH THEIR FINGERS EVERY FREAKIN' TIME THEY WALK BY?! Clink. Clink. Clink. Breath in, breath out. I think I'll start naming the people I watch. Hmmmm.... this could be fun. Relaxing. Take my mind off of the clinking jackasses!

My how time flies when you live in la-la-land. Much to my amazement, that's where I've apparently been dwelling for God only knows how long.... oh, years now, probably - no one answer that! True, I do have a weird "Never-Never-Land" sense about my personality that can be endearing at times and downright frustrating at others. But on the other hand, I can be fairly organized and refined. I am the product of the cross-pollination of genes from a somewhat anal/retentive mother and a mostly obsessive/compulsive father. What do you get when that happens? A walking, talking, contradiction in terms. Voila! I am my own worst nightmare! Or my own best friend?

So I thought I had another week. Rebecca is coming into town this weekend. This I knew, because we've talked several times over the last few days. She gets here Friday. And I've been emailing with my girlfriends here about Halloween costumes, going shopping for the last few little extras we need, etc. A few emails have gone out about the party location, trying to nail it down. Then an email pops into my inbox today about road closures for the Marine Corps Marathon this weekend (huh?) that will affect my work building. The MC Marathon is next weekend. I have.... another.... week........ oh............ shit................ THAT'S THIS WEEKEND!!!!!! This weekend is Halloween! The MC Marathon is this weekend! It's like seven whole days have fallen into the Bermuda Triangle that is my mind. My old roommate and good friend, Bettina, is coming into town this weekend to run the marathon. She gets here on Friday, too.... or is it Thursday? I can't remember now! Today is the 25th! It's Papa's birthday! Must ring him now before I forget the date again. Argh!

My brain has gone to mush! Instead of having another week to get all of this stuff squared away, I now have a mere three days - THREE DAYS - to get my shit in one sock, as my dad used to say. No wonder everyone has been emailing about costumes and the party. THREE DAYS! ARGH! NEED VODKA! NO.... must not resort to alcohol in time of despair. That's the old Molly. What does the new Molly do - pray. That's right - I PRAY!

Dear God, give me the strength to pull my head out of my ass long enough to clean my apartment, shop for groceries, prepare a costume, and come up with a brilliant plan to entertain two out-of-town guests on two different schedules. Amen.

P.S. Please let the Astros win tonight. Thanks!

I have found him! The man I'm going to marry! Never more must I search. In my infinitesimal amount of spare time at work, I have taken to surfing a wide variety of web sites. One of my favorites has become the personal ads on craig's list. I found my man today! Check him out - Molly's New Husband.

Don't be jealous!

1962 - that's the year that the Houston Colt .45s were named as a MLB expansion team. They became the Houston Astros in 1965. Never - not once - not one single time in the 45 year history of the franchise has this team played in the World Series. Tonight, they captured the National League Championship Pennant. They will meet the Chicago White Sox in the 2005 World Series on Saturday in Chicago, and will take the series to Texas - the first time a World Series will be played in the Lone Star State - for Game #3. Watch out, Chicago. We like things big in Texas, including our victories!

I'm not from Venus (as the book might suggest) nor any other planet in the universe. And while I am a medical freak of nature, this is not another malady (but it might be contagious, so watch out!). I went to the University of Texas at Austin. We all bleed orange there. And ever since Saturday, my blood has been pumping so strong that I think I'm probably glowing like a bright orange neon sign! For the first time since 1999 the mighty Texas Longhorns beat the sucky Oklahoma Sooners in this year's Red River Shootout! We didn't just beat them, we destroyed them. 45-12! It was a beautiful game! I was surrounded by fellow Texans, all sporting burnt-orange attire, yelling "Texas Fight" and "OU Sucks" at random times in the game. We drank Texas beer. We sang our fight song every time we scored on the lousy Okies.

They've rubbed our famous Texas pride in our faces for the last five years. This year, we threw it back at them, play after play after play. We started this year ranked #2 in the AP poll. Oklahoma was #7. Now, in week seven, Texas is still ranked #2. Oklahoma is nowhere on the map. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Bob Stoops!

Hook 'Em Horns! See you at the Rose Bowl!

"You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie."
- Sleepless in Seattle

My sister and I love to quote movies to each other, but they're not your run-of-the-mill quotes. She and I can have conversations littered with these obscure quotes and know exactly what we are saying to each other without ever having to name our sources. No one else on the planet gets us. We're weird like that, and we like it!

The quote I opened this up with is one of our favorites. We are both hopeless romantics. Always have been. I think I maybe be more so than she is. I love starlit nights, romantic dinners, etc, etc, etc. But the quote is more than just that - it is profound in it's own way - even if it came from the lips of Rosie O'Donnell. I think that we all - women and men - have a dream of what we want, and we get so swept up in that dream that sometimes we miss the neon signs telling us that it's not right. Life is not a movie. Life is life. It comes with good and bad. Sometimes, when the bad outweighs the good, it means that it's time to move on.

If he's not calling you....
If she's making excuses not to see you....
If he "has an early meeting"....
If she's still dealing with her last relationship....
If his "sister" is visiting, but the couch doesn't look slept on....
If her issues with how fast you started the relationship come up a month later....
I could go on and on and on, and I'm sure you could add more, but the truth is....

He/She's just not that into you.

"You're right. You're right. I know you're right."
-When Harry Met Sally